Transforming Loneliness into Self-Discovery
Entering community college this autumn has brought upon me a plethora of emotions — good and bad.
My teenage years had ended, and I was entering a world I was barely (really not at all) prepared for. Suddenly my generic, semi-customized schedule from high school had transformed into a schedule that I catered for my own desired career path. No longer was I forced to drag my backpack around the same building for seven hours attending basic math, english, history and science classes with classmates I had known for most of my life.
College classes that genuinely interested me with fresh faces and fresh scenery excited me. I was ready for change. Scheduling my school days to end by noon was meant to give me a new sense of freedom and relaxation.
But it also led to an unplanned and unwanted emotion — loneliness.
While I enjoyed my newfound adulthood and being surrounded by a unique crowd of individuals, an extreme longing for my old life began to destroy the new life I had once been so excited to begin. I missed my close friends who now lived miles away; I missed the security of knowing each crack and corner of my high school; I missed my busy days full of school, sports, dance, family and friends.
Of course, I enjoyed the immense amount of free time I now held.
But the immense amount of free time also allowed my mind to think dangerous and lonely thoughts. Seeing the amount of fun my friends away at college and my friends still in high school were having suddenly made me crave the comfort of my friends and once-busy schedule I used to hold.
My free time was now my enemy.
Activities I used to do out of enjoyment now became activities I did to pass the time and end my day quicker. Walking my dog no longer was an active bonding session with my companion but a 40-minute time-wasting task, an hour if I walked slow enough and let my dog sniff every blade of grass that interested her. Watching a movie no longer was a time to enjoy my favorite film and relax, but a two-hour distraction from social media that had been taunting me all day and night with images of other people enjoying life. Taking a nap no longer was a luxury at the end of a tiresome day, but a way to rid my loneliness for an amount of time, even when I wasn't tired.
I began to break down and question myself.
What was wrong with me? Why was I letting a new experience do nothing but make my heart ache for my past? Why was I no longer enjoying my hobbies? What actually made me happy? Why did I have to find the negative in every task I did? Why couldn't I be happy?
Suddenly, I had a change of heart.
I was tired of feeling emotionally tired every hour of every day of every week. This was my life, and I couldn't change how it was. I could only change my perspective.
So, I made a list of small life changes I was determined to keep up in order to salvage the bit of happiness I still held deep inside.
Say “hi” to people no matter how uncomfortable I feel about it
Eat healthy and limit sweets consumption
Be active and motivate myself, but enjoy lazy days
Do things out of enjoyment, not to pass the time
Look for the positives in every situation
Enjoy the confusing time in life
Physically writing out my goals strengthened my determination to rid myself of loneliness and created a new sense of myself which made me discover what I really wanted to do and who I wanted to become. It made my thoughts become solid ideas and guided how I would think.
Naturally, I know the feeling of loneliness will creep its way into the front of my head every now and again, because the feeling of loneliness has become a part of me. My friends are no longer a five-minutes drive away, I now go to a new school with new people and my life has completely changed.
But doing things to numb that feeling of being alone didn't erase the problem — it only made it worse.
I had to accept that my life would never be what it used to be which was actually a blessing. It is a beautiful thing to have those wonderful years to look back on, and I'm grateful for what I have done in the past and the happiness and love I felt.
But now it is time to create new memories with the life I now lead. My friends are not gone, just away. I will see them again. We will create new memories again. I will make new friends and new memories and have those to look back on in a few years time. Each day is new and I have the power to make it a new memory.
Feeling alone sucks. It does. Everyone has felt it at some point; some feel it more than others and some feel it stronger than others.
But life is full of highs and lows. Look positively at the points of loneliness in your life. Feeling alone is confusing and crushing, but it opens your soul and gets you thinking about yourself. During those times, you truly discover what you love and what makes you happy. You discover yourself.
Your friend,
Jane
