‘I Seemed Happy, But I Was a Wreck’ | Your Story

Your Story is a series in which you, the reader, are invited to be a guest writer on Your Friend Jane and share your own story, relating to mental health and personal growth.

Anonymous

(Trigger Warning: The following story discusses suicide and self-harm, which may be triggering to some readers.)

I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was just a little kid. My first memory with anxiety was when I was in preschool. Slowly my anxiety started to take over my life, and it kept me from wanting to try new things and fully experience my childhood.

It got worse, and by the time I was in middle school, depression started to kick in. I began to feel like I was worthless. Why was I so anxious all the time? I felt like I couldn’t try new things like hobbies, sports and extracurricular activities, because I wasn’t worthy, and I was destined to fail.

By sixth grade, I wrote suicide notes and made my first suicide attempt. I was incredibly ashamed of myself for this, and I tried to tell my loved ones. No one took it seriously.

By the time I was in high school, I began cutting myself. I used to cut my hips, because I never wanted anyone to know. I felt like I must’ve been crazy and dramatic for doing such a thing. Still, not many people know this, except for my ex-boyfriend.

I walked around the halls at school like a ghost. I felt like a nobody. I struggled with making friends, and the group that I did have was full of superficial and hateful girls. I was lost and began having delusions. I struggled with my body image, and I constantly fed into my mental illnesses by hiding away and pretending I was fine. I seemed so happy and goofy and tried being the “class clown,” when in reality, I was a wreck.

I got to college, and it wasn’t much better. I felt free from my old friends and left a lot of that old pain behind.

But still, I had lingering anxiety and emotions that still kept me from living my life.

It wasn’t until I lost everything that I began I transform. I lost my boyfriend, I dropped the horrible “friends” I had and was living in a seriously unstable environment.

Again, I began to think seriously of suicide, more so than ever. I became obsessed with the idea of cutting my wrists vertically with a blade and watching the blood rush out until I reached death. This pain couldn’t possibly be worse than the pain I’ve endured all these years.

But I couldn’t do it. I thought of my family, the few friends I did have, my animals and my deep love for nature. I couldn’t forget about all the beauty in the world.

The pain was and still is very deep. Sometimes, I fall into depressive episodes again.

But the difference between me now is that I went to therapy, went on antidepressants, picked up tons of new hobbies, and fully opened my mind to new things. I changed my thoughts and my language towards myself. I spoke kinder words and let go of hate.

Before I knew it my life changed very fast.

I am full of gratitude and focus on being the best version of me. I still don’t understand this life, but I now know that there’s so much more out there. I’m not alone, and I’m worthy of pursuing all my past, present and future desires.

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