5 Lessons I Learned in 2020 that Boosted My Confidence
Let’s not sugarcoat it — 2020 sucked.
For me, it was certainly a year I didn’t prepare for. Between graduating college from my kitchen table, applying to 50+ jobs in seven months and rarely hearing back and, you know, the pandemic, 2020 dealt me with less-than-stellar cards that made “living my best life” difficult.
However, believe it or not, 2020 was the year my confidence blossomed. The year allowed me to re-evaluate what and who matters to me, how I can take better care of myself and what I want my life to look like moving forward.
Through it all, my relationship with myself has become stronger and, therefore, my confidence has grown. In fact, this has the most confident I’ve felt ever!
In 2020, I found myself in many uncomfortable situations, where I had to realize my self-worth and stand up for myself. Has it been easy? No way. Oftentimes, growth isn’t easy. We need to live through experiences that test our limits in order to understand that we have none — we are limitless and capable of more than we know.
With that, let’s dive into the five things I learned in 2020 that made me grow in confidence.
1. Don’t take it personally
As an anxious people-pleaser, I work overtime to make people like me. Whether I’m working on a project for my 9-to-5 or planning a party for a friend, I want everyone to be happy, even if that means putting their needs above my own.
So when people don’t react the way I expected or they don’t treat me the way I treat them, I think it’s my fault. I ask myself, “What did I do wrong? Why don’t they like me? Why am I like this?”, thus beginning my endless cycle of overthinking and feeling insecure.
The first thing I learned in 2020 that boosted my confidence is, don’t take other people’s actions personally. In other words, the way people behave often has everything to do with them and little to do with you as a person.
That’s right. Even if you’re kind to everyone, someone is still going to shit on your parade. You can hold the door open for a stranger in your local coffee shop, but if that person is having a bad day, they’re going to give you a dirty look. It happens! It doesn’t mean they don’t like you personally.
If someone treats you poorly, does that mean you’re not good enough? Hell no!
Simply put, we each interpret the world in different ways, and most often, no two interpretations are exactly the same. That means what one person perceives as “good,” another person may perceive as “bad.” (Just think, some people don’t like Beyonce. I don’t know how that’s possible.)
The best you can do is control what you do, because that’s all you can really do. You can’t control how people treat you — you can only control what boundaries you set with that person, whether they’re emotional and physical boundaries.
2. What you feel is what you present
Recently, I started listening to Check Your Aesthetic, a podcast hosted by two young graphic designers and small business owners who discuss how to be your own boss.
In the episode “Burnout and Work Life Balance,” Alexis Adams and Katie Campbell, the podcast’s hosts, talk about overcoming self-doubt, when Katie says, “If you think you’re trash, if you think you have no talent, if you can’t design, then everything you make is going to be ugly, even if you know that that’s not true…Even if you really aren’t feeling something, just be like, ‘I know I can come up with something. Maybe not right now, but I know I can,’ and having that mentality is going to help you way more than the other mentality.”
What Katie is saying is, how you feel about yourself is how others will perceive you. If you constantly criticize yourself, say self-deprecating jokes and think you’re a shit person, odds are, people are going to feel that way about you too. Even if you really aren’t a horrible person, you’re already setting a low standard for others to base their opinions.
However, if you believe in yourself and know your worth, people will see that. Most often, people are drawn to others who radiate confidence and light, because it’s inspiring. People want to feel that way too, so they’re more likely to surround themselves with people who they want to be like.
In other words, fake it until you make it!
3. Beauty is reflected in feelings, not looks
I used wake up too freakin’ early in the morning to curl my hair every day. No joke. To make sure I had enough time to curl my hair, I’d start getting ready for school or work two hours before I’d have to leave my house.
Why did I curl my hair every day? Because I absolutely hated my naturally straight hair! It was rarely completely straight, as there were always kinks and waves, and it looked too flat. My natural hair didn’t have the same bounce and lift that my curled hair did have.
Because of this, I never left the house without doing my hair. If I did go in public with it natural, I was insecure about it, because I thought I looked ugly.
Then, during lockdown, I stopped curling my hair every day because, well, there was no point. I only left my house to walk around my neighborhood a million times. Why bother doing my hair if no one would see it?
After years of straightening or curling my hair, it’s been almost a year since I’ve stopped doing my hair.
It may seem silly, but not curling my hair changed the way I looked at myself and boosted my confidence — I started to accept my natural self and then, more importantly, that acceptance turned into love.
I realized I spent many years, perhaps too many, stressing about what I looked like, when in reality, it didn’t matter as much as I believed it did. If my hair didn’t look perfect or if my skin was looking especially red and spotted, I’d let that ruin my mood — I’d be too focused on the imperfections than on what was happening around me.
What lockdown taught me is, looks don’t matter. Really. They don’t. Yes, I totally believe in expressing yourself through your looks and wearing whatever the heck you want. (I’m looking at you, Harry Styles. You rock that dress, king.) If you want to put effort into how you look because it makes you feel better, go for it, my friend. I will happily cheer you on.
However, try not to stress about looking perfect 24/7, because in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. If you feel your best in sweats, rock that! If you feel your best in ball gown, rock that! Focus on how clothes make you feel, not how they make you look.
If you think about, you’ll always remember how you felt that day, not how you looked. Like when I think of how I spent most of my childhood summers at the beach, I don’t think of how I looked in a bathing suit — I think of how fun and relaxing those times were!
This works with relationships too — people care about how you make them feel, not how you look. Like I said earlier, people want be around others who make them feel good about themselves — people who inspire them, who radiate confidence, who make support them.
In the end, our time on earth is limited. You won’t remember or be remembered for what you look like — you’ll only remember how much fun you had dancing at your cousin’s wedding, how much love you felt while cuddling with your dog and how happy you were to be with friends and family.
So go live your life!
4. Surround yourself with people who inspire you
2020 was a lonely year. With the extreme isolation of last spring’s lockdown and the current restrictions on going out and meeting new people, it’s understandable why many of us are feeling lonelier than usual.
That being said, what I learned last year that improved my confidence was how important it is to fill your life with people who add to your happiness, not subtract from it.
When you’re lonely, you may be more inclined to hang out with anyone, even people who aren’t good for you, rather than be alone with your thoughts. We tend to think we’re lame or wasting our youth if we’re not socializing 24/7 and, instead, spending time alone.
However, it’s better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone, or to just be with people who make you feel like shit.
For me, 2020 showed me how valuable my time is. Between working multiple jobs, developing creative projects and needing time to myself to recharge (I’m an introvert), I don’t have a lot of free time.
This means I need to be picky with who I hang out with during my spare time. I don’t have time for people who don’t make me happy, because I need to be in relationships that give me energy — people who are supportive, inspiring, understanding and genuinely kindhearted. If I spend time with people who make me feel drained every time we hang out or talk, it’s going to have a domino effect — I’ll then be less productive at work, less motivated with my creative projects and so on.
So, if the people in your life aren’t adding to your joys, then you need to re-assess how important they are to you, communicate your feelings to them and set boundaries. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person — it means you care enough to preserve the relationship with them and yourself.
However, if they continue to disrespect your boundaries, then it may be time to cut them off. You have every right to sashay away from people who tear you down when you’re trying to grow!
5. If you want to change your life, change what you do every day
If you’re like me, then the thought “I want to change my life” pops into your head on the regular.
However, changing your life may feel impossible when there’s a lot in it that you want to change. You may ask yourself, “Where the heck do I even start?”
The answer is simpler than you think — start by changing your daily routine!
That’s right! You don’t need to quit your 9-to-5, delete your social media and move to a remote island in the middle of the Pacific in order to change your life. (I’ll admit it, though. This thought has crossed my mind.)
Instead, you can vastly improve your mood and confidence by making minor changes in what you do each day.
Let’s say your goal is to eat healthier. Rather than redo your entire meal plan, which can be overwhelming, narrow your focus — swap a bag of chips for a banana, scoop less ice cream than you’re used to or start taking a daily vitamin. (I’ve heard vitamins are a scam, but who knows? I’m not a scientist.)
By creating bite-sized goals, you’re more likely to achieve them and be inspired to accomplish more. Before you know it, you’re completing the goal you once thought was too big to achieve!
If you don’t complete a goal one day, it’s totally okay! Try not to beat yourself up about it. We’re human. We’re not perfect. Mistakes are bound to happen. But that doesn’t mean you can’t start again. It’s never too late to change your life. Every moment is a new chance.
Give yourself a major pat on the back, because guess what? 2020 is over! You made it! That’s something to be proud of! Last year was absolute dumpster fire of a year, and you still managed to get through it! 👏
As we begin 2021, understand it’s okay if you don’t feel hopeful about the year ahead. You’re certainly not alone in that. The future can be scary as heck, because we don’t know what it looks like, especially in today’s time.
If 2021 feels too big, focus on the 24 hours ahead of you. Listen to your needs. Be in tune with yourself. How can you take care of yourself today to prepare you for a better tomorrow?
Your friend,
Jane
P.S. What did you learn in 2020? Let me know in the comments below!
