21 Life Lessons I Learned in 21 Years

Feb 15

It’s official, guys. The moment has come. It is here, knocking — no, banging on my door like it’s been years since I’ve paid rent. And all I can say is…I do not feel like a 21-year-old. A 12-year-old? Yes. Maybe even a 13-year-old. But me? Feel like a 21-year-old? HA.

Definitely not.

Even just thinking about the age itself doesn’t seem real. It’s a foreign, 1,000 mile-away country that I’ve dreamed about since I was a kid but never really thought I’d venture to. It’s a celebrity crush that I’ve stalked on social media for years but never thought I’d meet. It’s just something that feels blatantly unrealistic, almost like a dream.

But whether I embrace this newfound label with an armful of alcoholic beverages or tuck it away in the ever-growing pile of trash that is “I’ll deal with this later,” Mother Earth has shimmied around the sun 21 times since I was born and there’s no slowing her down (unless the Andromeda Galaxy comes hurling in a little earlier than expected and screws thing up).

For real though, reflecting on these past 21 years of glorious, glorious life is a weird feeling. I mean, I self-reflect all of the time, maybe even too much. But to think back to the time when I was a wee tot in this world, not really knowing where I was going and hoping that I’d end up somewhere good, is strange to me. It feels like just yesterday I was a 10-year-old dreaming of the magical world of adulthood that I thought would be dripping with sunshines and fairy dust, literally oozing with good vibes and good times.

Oh, 10-year-old Jane. You silly, silly girl.

But 21 years can teach you a lot (like how adulthood can be fun but it’s definitely not what I imagined as a kid). And lord knows that I’ve learned quite a bit in my lifetime that hasn’t been easy to understand the first time around and has taken time to really be drilled into my thicc skull. Believe it or not, it took me not once but twice to understand that lightbulbs can be hot enough to blister your skin when you touch it (I was also young, so give me a break).

And like that lightbulb situation, it has taken me a while to realize that you have to go through shit, and a lot of it, to really learn what you are capable of, what makes you happy, who matters in your life and more, and to continue discovering more about yourself as time goes on and bad things happen.

Because while each of these lessons have really, really tested me in ways I didn’t even think of when I was a young whippersnapper who thought she had her life together at 17 years old, everything that I have experienced has made me into the strong, independent, “I don’t need no man” kind of woman I am today.

Just kidding. I’m not 100% there yet. But the thing that keeps me motivated is that I know I am on the path to becoming who I am meant to be, even if that path is full of booby traps that will nearly kill me. It’s through these hardships that I have become more confident and hopeful for the future than I have been in the past, and that’s because everything that I’ve learned has taught me things that I wouldn’t have grasped had I not gone through what I’ve gone through.

And to be quite honest, I wouldn’t change a thing.

So! To celebrate being a 21-year-old, let’s grab a glass of Sangria and dive into the 21 lessons that I have learned in 21 years of life (I elaborated on a few of them but not all 21 because f that).

Life is a journey of ups and downs.
I tend to beat myself up a lot when it comes to progress, because being the perfectionist that I am, progress always meant moving forward. For the mental health side of things, it felt like a confidence blow every time I’d be feeling pretty good and then feel like shit for a number of days. It was like I was literally going back in time to when I was going through serious depression.
However, I’ve come to learn that progress doesn’t mean moving forward; it means learning from what you experience and growing as a person.
Your happiness comes first.
I think when it comes to the people we love, a lot of us tend to prioritize their happiness over our own. Even when we’re overloaded with stress or going through a rough time, we’ll add to our plates and make it feel like it’s our responsibility to make everyone happy because, well, we love them and we want the people we love to be happy.
But above all, your happiness comes first. It isn’t being selfish to take a step back and prioritize what we need to do to bring ourselves peace before we help others. It’s like Rupaul’s quote: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” You need to make sure you’re in a healthy place before you help others.
First impressions aren’t binding.
Being weird is a lot more fun than being perfect.
Asking for help isn’t being weak.
Where you are now is not forever.
Heartbreak feels like how it sounds — but you’ll survive.
“I will be happy when I am ___” will never be true.
Home is within people, not places.
Fuck men; interpret that however you’d like.
Therapy is necessary, even when you think you’re okay.
Forgiveness grants you peace.
Self-acceptance is more important than self-love.
Self-love is a word that I’ve had trouble accepting. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I do love Rupaul’s quote about self-love. But it’s like shit, if I can’t love anyone else before I love myself, then I better tell everyone that I love that I’m lying to them, because I haven’t loved myself in 21 years.
However, I’ve learned that self-acceptance is a lot more important when it comes to finding peace. Like trust me, there are a lot of things that I don’t love about myself. I could write a full-length novel.
But these are all things that I’m learning to accept, because they’re what makes me me. We’re human beings, not robots that need to be the best all of the time. It’s okay to have things that you haven’t learned to love yet, but it’s important to accept them first.
Happiness requires cutting people off.
You hear it all of the time: who you surround yourself with affects your happiness. And what that suggests is that if someone is making you unhappy, you cut them out of your life. Simple, right?
However, a lot of the time the person who is making you unhappy is also a person you love. Maybe you’ve shared a lot of personal details with them that you haven’t told others. Maybe you have a lot of history, and they’ve made you happy in the past. Maybe they’re part of your family. Whatever it may be, you love them. How can you just cut them off?
Unfortunately, love is what makes cutting people off feel like you’re breaking your own heart. It can be the most difficult thing in the world, and it makes you question if what you’re doing is right, because it feels selfish. The sad truth is, there is no easy way to cut people out of your life.
But what I’ve found is that your happiness is what matters the most, and in the case of cutting people off, you are doing it for your future happiness. The pain of heartbreak may be there for a long time, and you might feel guilty for doing it, but at some point in the future, there will be peace (I’m going to write a blog post about this in the future, because it’s too grand of a thing to explain in a few paragraphs, so mark your calendars, y’all).
Being open about your struggles heals you and others.
Falling in love and falling out of love are equally as transformative.
Discomfort equals growth.
Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come.
F the haters and embrace your Grandma qualities.
I feel like when you’re young, you’re kind of force fed this idea that you have to be living up your youth 24/7 and that means staying out till the crack of dawn and being wild af, so whenever I stay in (which is like 90% of the time), it feels like I’m not taking full advantage of having working joints (I just know I’m going to be one of those hunched old ladies who walk -1200 MPH when I’m older).
But you know what? Fuck it. I much prefer staying in to watch a movie in bed with the LOML (ice cream). It’s honestly something that I look forward to throughout the day. And if I feel like going out that night, then I will! But I’m not going to pressure myself to go out just because it’s what society says I should be doing. I’m going to do what makes me happy.
There is beauty hidden everywhere; it all depends on your perspective.
When I was a young sprout (aka high school), I was totally that hometown hater who was like “This place sucks eggs! Get me out of this joint!” Now, don’t get me wrong. I 110% plan on not living in my hometown or in any of the neighboring towns. I’m tired of being surrounded by like 10,000 7-Elevens and Dunkin’ Donuts.
However! From what going on adventures with my mother on the weekends has taught me is that even the most boring places have hidden treasures and can actually be really exciting. It’s really just about being open to ideas and trying new things. You might just find a weird ass Humpty Dumpty along the way.
You are not alone.
This is thee biggest lesson that has honestly changed my life and how I view everything. Especially when it comes to social media, it’s easy to compare your lives to other people who are traveling the world and living out their dreams and be like, “Wow, my life sucks eggs. Why can’t it be perfect like them?”
However, ever since I created this blog (it’s been 2 1/2 years already, wow) and started sharing my struggles, I’ve found that no matter how alone you think you are, you’re honestly never alone. I remember being that lonely and terrified 18-year-old girl who thought no one understood what was going on and that things were never going to get better. To be honest, there are still times when I’m like, “I sound crazy. I’m alone in this.”
But through sharing my own struggles and listening to others, I’ve learned that there are literally so many of us going through shit. So many of us know what it’s like to feel anxious, alone, hopeless and much more. And the amount of people who have inspired me with their stories is honestly why I keep sharing my own, even when I am scared to. It’s heartwarming to know that we are never alone and that there will always be someone there who genuinely cares about you and what you’re going through.

And there you have it, folks. The 21 things I have learned in the past 21 years.

As I continue this journey of adulting but pretending to know what I’m doing, I am genuinely excited to see what will happen throughout the next few years, and more importantly, throughout life in general. Sure, the media likes to pressure us into believing that our youth is the only time we can experience the best years of our lives. Because we’re young. We’re supposed to be living it up by traveling wherever we can, staying out until the wee hours of the night (or early morning), going after our dreams with every ounce of our being to because is better when its obtained young!

But from what I’ve learned, there hasn’t been an age where I’m like “Yaaas, this is it. This is the best time of my life.” Each age has brought its joys, each has brought its woes, each has defined who I am presently. And that’s what I want to continue as I start to age and get all wrinkly (ew but it’s gotta happen eventually). Who says I can’t go out late and make mistakes when I’m 80 years old? I mean, I go to bed at 10 p.m. now, but who knows? Maybe a three-quarter life crisis will hit me like a brick and I’ll suddenly be hitting up the club at 3 a.m.

No matter what happens, I want to embrace the age that I am now, make it the best damn life I can make it and grow into a better person every year. Cheers to that, y’all.

Your friend,
Jane