What 2018 Taught Me About Life

Dec 31

Oh, 2018. What an…interesting…year you have been.

To celebrate the end of an era and birth of another, I was going to hop on that bandwagon of summarizing 2018 month by month, but alas, I realized mid-post that it was kind of boring. Not that 2018 has been boring because Lord knows it’s been a rollercoaster of a year. But I couldn’t remember what I did/how I was feeling each month. Could it have been because college has aged me 50 years and I am turning into an old lady suffering from memory loss? Maybe. But it’s more likely that you tend to not remember the day to day stuff as vividly as the general scope of things.

So! On that failed attempt to recap the year, I have decided to do things a little easier by diving into the general topics of life— the future, relationships and good ole mental health— and what 2018 held for each of these/what I learned.

Buckle up, kids. It’s time to take a trip down memory lane.

Future

Me being like any human being faced with the pressure that is “having a successful and fulfilling future,” I worry about the yet-to-be’s— a lot. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had this funky thing with time where I’m never really living in the present moment (but don’t we all have that problem, honestly?), but when I think about the future, it tends to go like this:

I’ll be dreaming of what I want to achieve and I’ll give myself this imaginary deadline of when I should have it achieved by and I’ll be motivated to do it but then time goes on and nothing has really happened and I feel like I’m running out of time and simultaneously disappointing my past and future self by not doing that thing and I’ll beat myself up about it and then think, “Do I even want to do this?” and I’ll go on and question the type of person I am and if I’m really cut out for what I want to do in life because if I really wanted to do this thing I wouldn’t be making excuses and it’d be done by now and everything just spirals until I’m feeling low af.

Yay for societal pressures and personal guilt to achieve things by a certain age! Because the best time of your life is when you’re young and you’re wasting your life if you’re not reaching for your fullest potential!

This sort of thinking has been messing with me quite a bit lately. Like don’t get me wrong, I know I am supposed to be a writer, but shit, man. I am going to be a senior in college next year who’s about to jump into the real world of finding a job and it feels like I’m still a kid trying to figure out if I’m really cut out for all of that. There’s no way in hell that I am 100% ready for that.

Then you see these other people who seem so confident about what they’re doing and they’re just better at doing life than you are. I remember doing one of those ice-breaker games in a class this past semester and I was like, “Hi, I’m Jane. I’m a transfer.” and so on, then the next person went, “Hi, I’m so-and-so and I’ve won five writing contests and have two books published.” I shit you not, that’s what someone said. My jaw dropped. I mean, good for that person but damn, how does that not make you feel like you’ve achieved nothing in your life?

However, I had this mini revelation during November of this year that has sort of (not really) changed the way I am looking at things, particularly the future— it doesn’t matter how fast you achieve things, as long as you work on what makes you happy day by day.

In particular, I’ve had this dream of writing a novel for, well, all 20 years of my existence basically. This dream had been something that I sort of tucked away but secretly hoped would happen. I continued to pursue that goal of becoming a writer, despite what society and more specifically my parents said, because I knew I wouldn’t be happier doing anything else.

With the recent way things have been in my life and the feedback of others who felt the same way, it had become apparent as to what this “dream” debut novel would be about— mental health. It became less of a thing that I really wanted to do for my own personal sense of accomplishment and more of a “This is a story that needs to be told and in the right way.” The second part was crucial. I wanted to present the best representation of it, and I was picky of how I wanted it to be portrayed, a reason as to why it had taken me so long to start it.

Once that idea popped into my head a few months ago, the mini revelation that I had came into full view. I didn’t want to pressure myself to write this novel as fast as I could, because I knew that would be damaging to the book itself and damaging to my own mental health; I would be placing too much pressure on myself that I knew I would regret.

Instead, I decided to do what I could do. To take things day by day. To work on this book little by little. And to focus on that persistence rather than how much I accomplished within an imaginary timeframe. Even if what I am accomplishing is shit, at least I am trying. It’s with that way of thinking that I have been able to accomplish more each day than I have ever before.

Even with life. There are things I want to do to become a better person. And I know that I am not there yet but the thing to focus on is the little steps you take that turns into progress. Not every day will be perfect, much like not everything I write will be Shakespeare worthy, but all that matters is each day’s progress.

Relationships

2018 was the year for relationships. And no, I don’t mean that in terms of finding a S.O. and falling in love (tried that once and I’m not diving back in any time soon). I just mean that it was the year that I focused on developing a relationship with myself and therefore with others, because guess what?! Healthy relationships have a significant impact on your happiness.

This journey towards self-acceptance started in late 2017 when I was newly living in the world of singlehood after just getting over a recent break up. Sure, it would still take me another couple of months to really get over it, but if you know that post-break-up confidence, then you know when I say that you get this sudden motivation to “live your best life” and kind of show the other person that you are okay without them, even if you don’t necessarily have bad feelings towards them.

That “buzz” continued into the new year as I started to learn more about what I wanted in life. It was really the happiest I felt with myself in a long time, maybe even ever. I had this newfound determination to transform those novel dreams into a reality, I was focused on becoming the person I wanted to be and I knew the type of relationships I wanted to surround myself with.

The beginning months of 2018 sprouted about and that post-break-up high simmered down a bit but I still felt fab af. I was happy for each of the relationships in my life. Even though there were days where I still felt guilty about the person that I was during that previous romantic relationship, I knew I had grown into a better person since then. I still had growing to do but I was happy.

The year went on and I was able to continue to form deep bonds with people who were strangers not too long ago. The people I traveled to Ireland with in the summer, coworkers, roommates and fellow students in group therapy— each of these became friends, some even people who felt like family.

Still, creating a world of healthy relationships can mean cutting off people you care about but know would make you happier distanced from your life. There have been a few times where I have had to do that this year and I can honestly say that it sucks eggs, but I know that it is better in the long run. This also gives you more energy to focus on the relationships that do make you happy.

While I still struggle with forming connections, more so at school, I try to remember the people that I do tremendously care about and realize that not every relationship has to be deeply-rooted. People who are just work friends and school friends can still have a positive impact on your life, something I have found that I am really grateful for.

Mental Health

This is kind of where I am not really sure whether to say 2018 was a good year (but has any year ever really felt like a good year?) because mental health was a bit of a mishmosh of highs and lows.

2018 started off pretty good in the mental health department, I’d say. I mean, I tried to kick off the year by traveling to France to study abroad with a bunch of other students, but that didn’t really happen (read why mother nature can be a bitch here). And yet, I was positive? Me? A perfectionist who can be hypersensitive about things not working out? Positive about a failed start to the year? Unheard of.

Yet, it happened. That’s what I call “looking on the bright side of life.”

Life moved onward, as life seems to do, and I was living in this okayness state. I was happy, with these brief moments of “Wow, I really don’t like myself” that kind of scared me into thinking I was falling back into depression. Although I had never really left these mental disorders behind, they had been manageable for the past few months and it scared the shit out of me to think that I could be the way I was again. It made me seriously think about going back to therapy.

April/May hit and ya girl was not doing great. Again, I was pretty much happy for the most part, but suicidal thoughts were definitely brewing and there were days that felt like how I felt freshman year. And what made me feel guilty about this gradual deterioration of my mental health was the fact that I had been okay. I was actually pretty confident/happy during the end of 2017 and into the beginning of 2018. I didn’t want to feel like I was going backwards.

Long story short (read more here if you really want to), I started seeing a different therapist again and really connected with them in a way that I didn’t think was possible after my first round in this therapy thing. Of course, there were days that still sucked, but having a trustworthy person I could talk to without having that guilty feeling of burdening others with my problems really saved me. They made me realize that I don’t give myself credit for how much I have accomplished and that I should be really proud of everything.

I also started to realize that there really is no such thing as going backwards during your “mental health recovery.” I mean, life changes and dealing with those changes can be difficult af. It’s normal to not be okay all of the time and need professional help, especially during those younger years when you’re not really established yet. Mental health is a rollercoaster of highs and lows, and it’s about cherishing the highs and having a support system and healthy ways of coping during the lows.

As therapy continued onwards, August rolled around to be when I simultaneously had the best week of my life in Ireland (beginning of August) and the start of more shitty mental health (end of August). I don’t want to get quite too detailed yet, but like anyone, I have a difficult time dealing with change and transferring to a four-year school unearthed battles with mental health, particularly feelings of loneliness; it can be hard making friends when it feels like everyone already has their group. This triggered certain aspects of mental health to be not fun but manageable, whereas other aspects were very, very rough, something I hope to share with you someday.

Even while I am sitting here, writing to all of you now, my mental health still remains on the lower end of the spectrum. Everything hasn’t been all shit all of the time, but it has been a bit harder this month than the rest of the months. Probably because there is that pressure to enjoy the time and holidays home with family, along with other changes I am learning to accept.

However, I am surviving. I have been going to therapy for seven months, an unthinkable accomplishment for someone who doesn’t like talking about emotions, and something that I am really grateful for. I also turn to these healthy relationships that have cultivated before me, remember the happiness I shared during a time like the Ireland trip and focus on how much I can change the world around me when I finish this book. These are the things that remind me of why I am here and keep me motivated.

All in all, 2018 has been a wild ride that I am not really sad to get off of. Does that mean 2019 won’t be another year of riding a rollercoaster of emotions? Of course not. But the thing is, this year has transformed me quite a bit in the most unexpected way and I am excited to see what will happen in 2019, more importantly where I will be in a year from now.

I hope a lot of good things happen in 2019. That we can reduce the stigma that surrounds mental health, that we can all work towards creating a positive/accepting future, that can we can continue to learn about the world.

But I particularly wish that all of you learn to be proud of your day-to-day accomplishments, fill your life with love and self-love, and find peace in the ups and downs that make us who we are.

Thank you for everything, and here’s to 2019, folks.

Your friend,
Jane