Questioning Myself

Apr 14

I often wonder who I am. What have I done to deserve the privileges I live through, and how am I living to my highest potential? Am I even meeting half of what I can be become? Will I ever become what I envision in my head?

I imagine a reality where I am the person I want to be. A person who is strong, energetic, confident and indefinitely happy. I close my eyes and can see this person glowing with love. But is this person me? Will this person ever be me? Am I just creating dreams that I’ll be able to live in in my head when my reality disappoints?

This sort of thinking crushes my heart. I doubt that I’ll ever accomplish that life-long goal of writing a book that will help thousands realize their internal strength. Who am I to preach about self-confidence when I doubt the passion I live for? I am constantly berating myself about how I don’t have the motivation to write the words from my heart. It can sometimes feel like the only way I can channel my emotions through my writing is to live through the emotion presently. I believe this is another factor as to why I was hesitant in seeking help. I often remember purposely making myself sad in order to transform my writing into painful beauty. I was becoming toxic.

It terrifies me to think that I will never become an author. I have this grand vision in my mind and ideas that will bring me there, but am I too weak to execute them? Am I the right person to add to the wave of mental health? You read stories of strong individuals who have overcome obstacles in their life, and they appear to be reborn with newfound confidence and love, but I don’t believe that person will be me.

I understand it’s normal to have doubts, but when successful people recall the effort and hours they’ve put into their work, I reflect on my own accomplishments and wonder why I can’t be like them? Why can’t I push myself to become the person I want? I The doubts run endlessly and cloud my goals with self-hatred for allowing myself to become this way.

Yet a glimmer of hope lives entrenched within my soul. This eternal drive to not let my dream die is what motivates me to pursue that flighting temptress. Perhaps this struggle is strengthening my mind. Perhaps it is nurturing that dream until the day it becomes a reality.

Somehow I know that the path I am traveling on is true. As much as I question myself, my internal strength continues to surprise me. How bold am I to chase a career that society often doubts? How lucky am I to hold the courage that I know I am meant to be a writer?

This I know: self-doubts are inevitable. They may be stifled as confidence grows, but still they’ll live. There will be plenty of moments where they’ll overpower me and render me unmotivated. Perhaps I will never write that book.

But I must try. I must understand that that person I envision so often may never come into full form. However, I mustn’t let that prohibit me from reaching for that goal. I will cultivate my mind with light and courage; the light to uplift my self-esteem and the courage to never let that dream die within the realm of "what-ifs."

We are all stronger than we think.

Your friend,
Jane