Are You Really Happy? Here’s How You Can Tell | Ask Jane
“Ask Jane” is a series, where I answer your questions about mental health, personal growth and more.
“How do you know when you’re truly happy?”
Happiness is difficult to define. Society tends to associate happiness with your level of financial stability, success, love and if you are "living the dream.”
Still, there are millions of people who have these and continue to experience loneliness, depression, hopelessness and more. Just look at celebrities. Many of them essentially “have it all,” yet still feel severely unhappy.
These things make you wonder — what is real happiness? Is it within a place? A person? A dream? Is it gasping for air when you are laughing with your best friend? Is it feeling the sunshine soak into your skin on a beach day? Is it cuddling with the person you love?
Better yet, does being happy mean you have feel it all of the time? Does real happiness only occur when you feel it as an extreme? If you feel merely content, does that mean you are not happy?
Faking happiness is draining. You often focus your energy towards projecting what others deem as being happy — smiling, laughing, being social — to avoid attention. We do this, because no one wants to make others feel awkward or to be judged for showing anything other than happiness. So, we hide our emotions to please others which only damages ourselves.
It’s sad how when someone asks if you are okay, it’s more acceptable to say that you are tired, then what you are really feeling. Why is that? Why is there discomfort behind honesty? We are all human, and we all know what it is like to experience sadness, anger and more. Shouldn't it be okay to say "I'm actually not feeling great"?
To me, faking happiness felt like a cloud blocking the sun. I knew what I was supposed to be happy about was there — my family and friends were supportive of my dreams; I went to a good school; I was in love.
Still, I felt distant with my emotions. A cloud was blocking me from the happiness I should have been feeling. I tried to fight it. I would go for a walk, journal, spend time with my loved ones and go for a drive, but it felt more like I was distracting myself rather than really experiencing the moment.
I would often feel a distinct shift in my emotions. I could be content one minute, and the next minute, I could feel numb. Because of that, I was anxious all of the time. I never knew what I would be feeling in the next moment.
There were even times where I could not hide the pain I was experiencing which often occurred at inconvenient times. I would cry during class; I would avoid the people I loved; I would remain silent and closed off, as thoughts bounced in my head.
This would lead to people thinking that they did something wrong or that I did not care about them, and I hated that I was making them think that. This only made me draw further into myself and fake happiness more. If I smiled, that meant I was happy, and if faking happiness made other people happy, then that is what I felt like I had to do until my depression passed.
This only caused more damage.
To me, real happiness is more subtle than it is evident. I may not radiate self-love and joy 24/7, but I know I am happier than I was. I am beginning to appreciate the vibrant greens in trees and plants as I drive by (it sounds corny, but it is 100 percent true). Smiling and laughing are becoming more natural rather than forced. My heart feels full when I think about the people (and animals) I love. I am genuinely excited thinking about my future.
People like to joke that I do not show emotion, but I do not think happiness comes from how expressive you are with it. I am happier; I am more confident; I am better than I was. I do not have to question whether I am happy or not, because I know that I am.
I have to admit that there are many times where I am unhappy and have to force myself into things. I sometimes doubt whether what I am doing really makes me happy and if I am the right person to do what I dream of doing. I even still have suicidal thoughts on occasion.
However, I know that if I eliminated the things in my life that I sometimes question, I would be miserable. Sure, writing may be frustrating, and I may doubt myself often, but it ultimately brings me joy. My life is not 100 percent perfect, but I don’t wish I had a different one.
To answer your question simply, when you are happy, you will not have to question it. Of course, nothing is 100 percent positive all the time. It is natural to have doubts that make you evaluate your life, but this does not necessarily mean that you are not happy with that thing. It is really what you feel is right in your heart.
Accessing what makes you happy and what makes you "fake" happy is difficult. It will not be easy to distance yourself or cut things out of your life that do not bring you real happiness.
However, I have found that focusing your energy towards things that matter to you is more rewarding than channeling your energy into things that do not bring you real happiness; and focusing your energy towards something does not mean you have to focus all of your energy. Be mindful of what you value in your life. When you begin to realize your self-worth and what makes you happy, you will feel it within your heart.
Your friend,
Jane
