Why Being Open About Your Struggles Will Help You Heal
It’s been quite a while since I’ve properly sat down and wrote something for this blog that I intended on posting. I have a lengthy list of ideas I’d like to write about, but every time I'd begin a post, I would stop quickly after. I’d maybe write three or four paragraphs and feel really good about what I was writing, but then it was like an imaginary wall was forcing me to stop. I have dozens of unfinished posts collecting dust because of this.
It has gotten to the point where it’s been four months since my last post which has made me wonder — do I actually like writing for this blog?
Of course, I love this blog. I would never want to stop. In fact, I want to get into it more by writing a range of topics and post regularly without four-month breaks in between. I even want to buy a quality camera that will allow me to add some flare to my posts.
But still, I wondered why I wasn’t feeling as motivated to write as I was before. I’ve still been writing nonstop. I write articles, essays, short stories, journals, poems. Why am I not writing blog posts?
Then I figured it out.
I am uncomfortable with sharing intimate details about my life. Even if those details are brief and not that personal, it’s still scary. I can write endlessly about my emotions, but once the idea of having someone read those parts about me enters my brain, I freeze up and quit.
The thing is, I am very reserved. It takes a long time for me to open up to people and even then, I don’t open up to everyone. There is a handful of people who know details about my depression, and there is an even smaller group of people that know the intimate details. Heck, there aren't even that many people I feel comfortable talking to about any serious topic.
It's terrifying to have someone know what’s going on in your life. Stuff that you don’t want to project. Keeping it internalized means it's safe from judgment and maybe, just maybe, by not talking about it, it will go away quietly without damage.
I often kept myself closed off when I was experiencing these depressive emotions, because I was in denial that what was happening was real. I remember thinking to myself “Am I just doing this for attention?” which made me only want to talk about it less. I genuinely didn’t think I was depressed, because to me, I did not look like someone who was depressed. I thought it was a phase I could overcome myself. A phase that lasted for over a year.
To this day, I’m still coming to terms with it. When I self-reflect, I see a noticeable difference on how I feel today compared to how I felt this time last year. I realize now that I should’ve reached out to someone sooner, but I was scared that people would treat me differently, wouldn't believe me or that nothing would be able to help.
The step that began this process of wanting to live again was talking about why I was feeling this way and acknowledging that I had a problem I couldn’t handle alone. From that, I began actively changing my life over the course of the next few months and started seeing positive results. I can honestly tell you now that I'm the happiest I've been in a few years. My situation hasn't change, just my perspective.
That’s the thing about talking about problems. It is insanely intimidating to put yourself out there for judgement. Not everyone will let you in. There might even people that run away, not because they don't care, but because they don't know how to help.
However, the relief you feel is what really starts the healing process. Of course, simply talking about it will not immediately fix the situation, but it will begin the cycle of change.
This doesn’t mean I’m ready to rip open my chest and start spilling my intimate details onto the floor. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully confident in letting people know what's going on in my life.
This does mean I am trying to be less afraid of talking about them. I will start small which means sharing my opinions instead of agreeing just to blend in. Already, I’m beginning to do this when the situation calls for it, and I’m feeling much more confident and independent than I was months ago.
It's important to talk about situations when you're ready. You should not have to force yourself to talk about anything if you think it will do you more harm than good. Everyone is different on how comfortable they are about sharing.
But I think it's incredibly self-fulfilling to talk about things that make us uncomfortable in order to gain strength over that thing. Keeping my depression repressed killed me inside. I focused my energy on internalizing my emotions to spare the happiness of others. For a long time, I was able to live each day without others noticing, but on the inside, I was destroying myself. Even when my heart had enough, it took me months to reach out to my parents and seek professional help. That was the beginning of my empowerment over my depression.
We need to build hundreds of supportive communities who are there for one another when we go through difficult times. Listening to personal stories and connecting with them allows us to realize that everyone is experiencing something. You are truly not alone in how you feel. By building that courage to take the first step in talking about your life, it will motivate yourself to actively live better over time, and it will inspire others to do the same.
I encourage everyone to share their stories when they are ready, as I begin to share mine.
Your friend,
Jane
