Why You Need to Find Self-Acceptance Before Self-Love

Self-love is everywhere. You see it plastered on cheap t-shirts. You see it spread across the walls of your doctor's office. You see it popping up on your social media. Something like "You can't love someone else until you love yourself." Well, shit. If that's the case, it looks like I have to apologize to all of my family and friends, because guess what y'all? I still don't love myself.

You know, it can be really hard to love yourself. Like really hard. And I am not talking about loving yourself by maintaining a skincare routine, purchasing those $75 shoes you fell in love with last week to "treat yo self" or saying "F it" by eating that extra scoop, or two, of Mocha the Dough ice cream. I mean, believe me, self-care is 110% beneficial for those days where you feel like absolute crap, and you just need that extra oomph to get you through the day.

But I am talking about real self-love. Not the kind that depends on outside sources, but the kind where you can self-reflect on who you are and genuinely appreciate it.

That, my friends, is what is hard as shit.

Like many of you out there in this world, I am the type of person who is constantly dreaming about that perfect version of themselves. You know exactly who I am talking about. The person is you, just...better. Successful, happy, loved by many, confident, living their dream, fighting for what they believe in, wealthy — basically just a version of you that has their shit together.

It feels like I have lived my entire life looking up to that person. And not in a "Oh, you are really inspiring, and you encourage me to be a better person" sort of way, but rather a "Oh, you are really perfect, and you make me realize how inferior I am" way.

It's basically like scrolling through the social media page of who you envision yourself being. This person is real. I mean, they are a living, breathing person. But you only ever see them through a screen, so there is a part of you that detaches them from reality, much like you would a celebrity. Except, in this case, you only ever see this idealized version of yourself in your mind, so you detach yourself from your future and view them as more of a celebrity, someone who just doesn't seem real until you meet them face-to-face.

The thing is, you can meet a celebrity face-to-face (the chance of running into Oprah in the supermarket is slim but still possible). However, you can't meet your future self, so they just remain as this glorified version of yourself that you may never obtain. It's like you're running on a treadmill towards a thing that you'll never really catch up to. You're just putting in all of this work to run after a goal that's unachievable.

Honestly, fuck that.

It is so frustrating to live a life like that. I mean, yeah, it's great to have goals where you want to improve yourself. I definitely don't want to remain the person I am today, and we should all strive to be better than we were yesterday and all.

But to the point where I kick myself for not being who I wanted to be at this age? Or being upset for going backwards in my self-improvement by, let's say, not writing as much as I did the day before? That is what needs to stop. That idealized version of myself that I keep envisioning may never come, and even if it did, there's that chance that I won't even be 100 percent happy with myself then.

Honestly, who cares if that version of yourself never happens? Just because you haven't achieved what you thought you would at this age doesn't mean you're not growing. Heck, I look back at who I was last year, and I know I have improved so much. I am beginning to like myself each year, and that's what really counts when you're on the road to self-love.

I think real self-love comes when you begin to accept who you are rather than pressure yourself to be that idealized version as soon as you can. Accept your appearance, your personality, accept that you aren't perfect. When you learn to accept those things about yourself, inner peace will come.

Self-love will come gradually. It won't come at a certain age, after you achieve a certain goal, after you meet a certain person. There really is no good in waiting for yourself to become this glorified, almost unrealistic being once you've achieved X, Y and Z.

But I guess that's why self-love is such a strong word — because like love, there's not that exact moment where it happens. You will just gradually realize it.

I know I am not a perfect person, and I certainly know that I don't know what self-love feels like yet. Who knows if I ever will. But I am beginning to accept that just because I may never be that person I dream of being, it doesn't mean I am not getting better. These changes may not always be present. Heck, I may not always be improving. I am completely aware that I make mistakes.

But I know that I am feeling more happy with myself each year, and that's what keeps me going. That's how I know I am becoming who I want to be. It may not be that exact person I pressure myself into being, but if I continue to grow, then that's okay with me.

So, as cheesy as it is, focus on what makes you you. Learn that it's okay to have flaws and to make mistakes, that it's okay that you may not seem like you are as successful as people your age or as successful as you thought you'd be. It really is healthy to want to constantly improve, because if you look at it from a distance, we should all be improving little by little.

However, self-love isn't something that should be forced, and it shouldn't be something that only comes after you've achieved something in your life. Self-acceptance then self-love. That is how you will begin to live peacefully.

Your friend,
Jane