The 10 Essential Traits of a Good Friend | Ask Jane

Last update: September 10, 2020

“Ask Jane” is a series, where I answer your questions about mental health, personal growth and more.

“What makes someone a good friend?”

Have you ever scrolled through Instagram on a quiet Friday night, saw everyone hanging out with their friends and were struck in the gut with F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out)? Suddenly, you find yourself scrambling to make plans with anyone who’s free (even if “anyone” means hanging out with people who make you feel like a bag of crap).

When you’re lonely, you might prioritize having friends over having good friends, in order to avoid being alone with your thoughts. 😖 People can serve as a temporary distraction from a vicious cycle of thoughts you’d rather not focus on.

However, when you surround yourself with friends who aren’t good for you, just to fill up the empty space, it can leave you feeling drained, insecure and even more lonely.

This is because your happiness is not defined by the number of friendships you have, but rather the quality of the friendships you have. (Quality over quantity, as they say.) Friends, family members, partners and even ourselves — each relationship you hold has the ability to give you a sense of purpose, fulfillment and love, when the relationship is healthy and good for you.

Here are the 10 essential traits of a good friend (in no particular order).

1. They’re kind

Okay, okay. Of course, you want the people you interact with to be kind. But in relationships, especially long-term relationships, kindness can sometimes take a backseat when we get comfortable being with the other person.

At the heart of any relationship, the other person should be kind and understanding. An easy indicator of their kindness is how they treat service workers, like waiters and retail associates. If they treat people who are of lower rank in society poorly, then it’s a good sign that they’re not as kind as you may think. (As a retail worker myself, I can tell you, there are a LOT of assholes out there. A LOT.)

Now, of course, if a person disrespects a service worker, that isn’t the be-all and end-all of your relationship. (Nobody’s perfect 100 percent of the time.) But if you know at their core, they are a good person, then they’re a good friend to have.

2. They’re supportive

In order to live a fulfilling life, you need to surround yourself with people who support you. That means they listen to you, are understanding, believe in your goals and are there for you when you’re feeling low.

A supportive friend is also someone who celebrates your successes with you. You want to be friends with a person who says, “That’s great! You deserve it!” when you land a new job, not a person who makes you feel bad or guilty about your achievements. (Side note: it’s normal to feel jealous when others succeed, but it’s not right to make people feel guilty for it.)

Say it with me (scream it from the rooftops like SpongeBob, if you must): “I will not be with people who do not uplift me during my lows and my highs! I am more than worthy of validation and support!”

3. They’re trustworthy

Building trust doesn’t just mean keeping secrets. You should also be able to trust that your friend won’t judge you when you open up to them and will stick up for you when you’re not around.

Think of it like this: how would you feel if your friend bashed their other friends in front of you, but then hung out with said friends the next day? It’s that sort of behavior that makes you go, “Oh, if they say and do that with their other friends, what do they say about me?” That behavior is not okay! Don’t be that friend!

4. They’re dependable

Who wants to hang out with a friend who flakes on every plan? Although it’s okay to bail on plans here and there, a good friend is a person you can count on. It shows that they enjoy your company and want to be around you, and that you can trust them.

If they’re being unusually flaky, talk to them to see what’s up. Bailing doesn’t necessarily make them a bad friend — they might be going through a rough time (frequently cancelling plans can be a sign of anxiety), or they’re just super busy. It’s all about communication!

5. They’re fun to be around

F is for friends who do stuff together, right? Well, SpongeBob wasn’t lyin’ when he sang that! Good friends are people who bring you joy, make you laugh and want live life, not just watch it as it passes by. This doesn’t mean you need to go bungee jumping or go on a spontaneous three-month trip with them to Australia, but it’s fun to be friends with people who are willing to try new restaurants or movies with you.

6. They’re independent

A good friend shouldn’t need you to text, call or talk with them 24/7, in order to stay friends. Heck, there are lot of people I would consider to be my friends, but I don’t talk to them every week, and that’s okay!

Also, a good friend shouldn’t only reach out to you when they need a favor, i.e. when they need to vent, borrow money or use you for a ride to a party. While it’s important to turn to our friends for emotional support, this shouldn’t be the only time you communicate. It’s all about balance, my friends.

7. They push you to be a better person

Who you surround yourself with is who you become. If you surround yourself with people who are going nowhere in life, there’s a high change you’ll follow their footsteps, or you’ll at least feel negatively drained by them.

However, if you’re friends with good people who set goals, are kind and understanding, want to go on adventures with you and support you, you’re more likely to thrive.

A good friend will also encourage you to become a better person by being honest with you. If they see that you’re settling for less than what you deserve (whether it’s a relationship or a job), they’ll tell it to you straight and say you’re worthy of more.

The key is to notice who you’re with when you feel your best. That’s who you want to surround yourself with.

8. They’re open to honest communication

Let’s face it, no relationship is perfect, friendships included. We’re all bound to disagree, argue or get on each other’s nerves at some point, whether we realize it or not.

That’s why a good friendship needs to have communication. Since we’re humans and not mind readers, it’s important to talk to your friends when you they hurt or disappoint you. You can’t expect people’s behavior to change if you don’t communicate with them, and a good friend should be open to having honest conversations, even if it’s uncomfortable. If you’re afraid to talk to them because they’ll take it too personally, get defensive and shut you out, then you may want to think about setting more boundaries.

9. They’re willing to admit when they’re wrong and will change

As a part of honest communication, a good friend should be willing to admit when they’re wrong. Again, we’re not perfect, and we’re bound to make mistakes that may hurt others, even if we don’t realize it.

If you say, “Hey, when you said or did X, it hurt me. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t do or say that again,” and they push you down, rub dirt on you and spit in your face, maybe you should reconsider your friendship with this person.

Okay, but seriously, when you confront your friend, they shouldn’t get defensive or gaslight you. Instead, they should be willing to communicate, show appreciation and understanding, and actively change their behavior.

Let me say that again — good friends should be able to admit they’re wrong, apologize and change their behavior. If their behavior doesn’t change after you confronted them, then it may be time to set boundaries or cut them off completely.

10. They add to your life, not detract from it

Have you ever hung out with a person and left feeling drained? 🙋 Even if you’re an introvert, feeling exhausted after every interaction you have with a friend is a sign that that person is detracting from your life and not adding to it. In other words, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship with that person.

Good friends are there, not to be the soul source of your happiness, but to add to your happiness. Overall, it should be effortless to hang out and chat with them, and you should feel uplifted, inspired and free around them.

However, if you find yourself walking on eggshells whenever you’re around them — you micromanage everything you say and do, in order to not upset them — then your relationship with them is holding you back. It’s not fair to yourself to live as a watered down version of yourself. Set boundaries, talk to them or even cut them off, if you think that’s what best for your quality of life.

If a person doesn’t check off every trait, that doesn’t necessarily make them a bad friend. Heck, we all make mistakes and can occasionally be bad friends to our friends, but that doesn’t make us bad people.

However, if they repeatedly treat you like garbage and nothing changes, even if you talk about it with them, it may be time to set tighter boundaries or cut ties entirely. It’s normal for relationships to fade with time, and it’s okay if they don’t last as long as you thought they would. As you grow as a person and your relationship with yourself evolves, your outside relationships will change too! That’s normal!

Overall, you’ll recognize when a person is being a good friend versus when they’re being a bad friend. No one is a perfect friend all of the time, but that is what life is about. You need to learn from the mistakes you make in order to be the best version of yourself you can be, and being the best version can bring out the good in others.

The important lesson in this is, fill your life with people you love and people who love you as you are. There is no good in surrounding yourself with toxic friends who bring out the worst in you, even if you are afraid to let them go and be alone. Although it can be hard to say goodbye to bad friends who you may have a shared some good memories with, life is too short to not feel loved.

Do what Harry Styles does best, and treat people with kindness. ✨

Your friend,
Jane

P.S. Have a question about mental health or personal discovery that you’d like for me to answer? Comment below with your question, send me an email and slide into my DMs on Instagram!