Everything You Need to Know About Therapy

Jul 19

I therapy. You therapy. He- she- me- therapy. Therapology: the study of therapy.

Okay. That last one isn’t even a word.

But the point is a lot of people see or have seen a therapist for various reasons and spans of time. Think Michelle Obama, Demi Lovato, Prince Harry, John Hamm. Have they seen therapists? Yep. And what about your neighbor, your co-workers, that guy you just passed on the parkway? What about them? Chances are they have a therapist, too.

For me, it’s been about a year since I’ve started seeing a therapist regularly for anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. That’s about 52 hours of therapy, man, which is an accomplishment I’m proud of. I mean, me? A girl who openly admits that she bottles everything up? Talk to a therapist about her feelings for 52 hours? I really never thought I’d be able to do that.

But it has been a year, my friend, and a year of learning and self-growth, indeed.

Through therapy, I’ve learned a lot about myself: what triggers me, how to define and understand my emotions, how to cope when I’m feeling low and more.

I’ve also discovered that I’m not as alone as I previously thought, which has been the most validating lesson. We’re all out here coasting (and by coasting, I mean hanging on for dear life) on the “My mental health sucks sometimes” cruise, huh?

But like many people, I was intimidated by therapy. I didn’t know what it was really like, because:

I was too scared to ask.
People didn’t/don’t really talk about therapy.
The media definitely didn’t present therapy in the most positive way (I’m looking at you, “Thirteen Reasons Why” producers).

In fact, these are reasons that stop a lot of people from seeing a therapist, because you don’t know what the heck to expect.

So what’s therapy really like?

1. It’s not like the movies

Before I started therapy, I thought it’d be like what I’d seen in the media. You know, the “crazy” person is slapped onto a leather lounge chair in a dimly-lit room full of books, and the therapist, who’s wearing glasses and holding a notepad, dryly asks, “And how does that make you feel?”

Guess what? That’s not what therapy’s like.

Instead, therapy tends to be much more casual, personable and human. Think Robin Williams in “Good Will Hunting” (A+ movie). While not every aspect of the movie’s therapy scenes are 100% accurate (in this scene, breakthroughs tend to not happen in a single session), Williams’ portrayal of a therapist and therapy is generally authentic.

Much like Williams’ character, a good therapist is a genuine human being with thoughts, opinions and feelings, not a robot who only says, “Let’s get in touch with your inner child.”

That means they’ll create dialogue with you, actively listen to what you’re saying, offer healthy advice, tell it to you straight, remember what you said from past sessions and more. Heck, they’ll even talk to about things that you wouldn’t think relates to mental health, e.g. my therapist and I have talked about Ariana Grande, movies and weird trends.

The point is a good therapist is there to listen to anything you say without you feeling like you’re burdening them, because talking can be very therapeutic, even if it’s just about your love for Ariana Grande.

2. The first time is not always the charm

Ah, yes. Finding the One. No, I’m not talking about finding the love of your life — I’m talking about the right therapist for you.

The first time I sought therapy, I saw a person who had been recommended to me by a friend, which totally made sense to me. I mean, it’s like when you’re looking for a new dentist or restaurant to try, and you go where your friend says is good because you both have similar likes and dislikes. I thought, “Well, if my friend likes this therapist, then I’ll like this therapist, right?”

That’s usually not the case.

Finding a therapist is much like the story of Goldie Locks — it takes a bit of trial and error to find the therapist you click with and what form of therapy works for you, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), group therapy or interpersonal therapy.

For me, the first therapist I saw wasn’t really the One, and I ended up only seeing them for a few sessions. This doesn’t mean they were a bad therapist — they were actually very helpful and taught me lessons that I still value to this day — but it just didn’t feel 100% right, which is vital when you’re talking about things that might make you uncomfortable.

Now I see a different therapist who I had clicked with after a few sessions. The best part? They asked me what I wanted from them, like did I want them to listen more and talk less or did I want them to give me advice? Therapy is supposed to be catered around you, so it’s all about finding the right therapist and form of therapy for you.

3. Talking about your feelings is hard, but it gets easier

The first time I saw a therapist, I cried. Not just because I was #depressedaf, but because it was a real anxiety-inducing experience all around. I mean, this was the first time I was really verbalizing my feelings, and I had a lot of anxiety on the drive to the therapist’s office and in the waiting room.

After a couple of sessions, I said to my mother, “I don’t like going to therapy. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous,” to which she said, “Well, no one likes going to the doctor, but we have to do things that keep us healthy.”

And it’s totally true!

I’ve never been like “Dentist? Hell yeah. Friggin’ love being poked in the gums with a pointy metal stick until they bleed,” but we need to do these things in order to have happy and healthy teeth, eyes, etc. Plus, just think about the post-dental cleaning feeling 😍. (Cue “My Shiny Teeth and Me.”)

It’s the same thing with therapy.

In the beginning, I wasn’t a major fan of therapy, because I would feel anxious the day of — sometimes even the day before. It felt more like a hurdle I had to get over rather than a form of self-care, and talking about my feelings sometimes stirred up the pot.

However now that it’s been a year, I understand that I need to talk things out in order to take care of myself, make talking about my feelings easier and grow as a person. It hasn’t been easy 100% of the time, but it has gotten a lot easier than when I first started.

And seeing that growth overtime is kind of like a gradual “My Shiny Teeth and Me” feeling.

While being hella uncomfortable and anxious about therapy for an extended period of time might be an indicator to try a different therapist and/or form of therapy, it’s important to give things a try for a bit and see what progress you can make in talking about your feelings.

4. You don’t need to have a mental disorder to see a therapist

I’ll admit it. For a while, I thought “mental disorders” and “mental health” were interchangeable terms, and that therapists only helped those with mental disorders. This discouraged me from seeking help, because I felt like I wasn’t suffering enough to see a therapist.

But this just isn’t the case.

Though there are many therapists who specialize in mental disorders, therapists help you navigate everyday challenges like how to manage stress, relationships and more.

Because guess what, folks? Therapists are mental health experts, and mental health is for everyone who has a brain. (Yes, all humans have a brain, even though it may not seem like it.)

What I’ve learned is that mental health is a spectrum, and mental disorders are on that spectrum, along with stress, sadness and nervousness. We all experience life differently, react to life differently, have different forms of mental health, use different ways to cope and more.

That means you can see a therapist for legit anything, and you don’t have to wait until it gets “bad enough” to start seeing one. Heck, you don’t even have to wait till they get bad at all. Your feelings, mental health and life are valid no matter who you are, and therapists can help make it even just a teensy bit easier with guidance.

5. Therapy is just a part of your self-care routine

The first few times I saw a therapist, my expectations were a little too high. I thought I’d feel a significant weight lift off of my shoulders, all of my demons would be vanquished and the heavens would break through, because there I was! Doing the thing everyone said would help!

To my surprise, that wasn’t what happened.

Instead, I basically felt the same as I did before I started therapy, which in turn made me feel worse about myself. I thought, “Shouldn’t I be feeling better? Isn’t that what therapy is supposed to do? Am I really that hopeless?”

What silly 19-year-old me didn’t know was that I couldn’t just go to therapy and expect all of my woes to poof away. I had to put in work, work, work, work, work and a lot of it.

That meant I had to change my behavior outside of therapy while continuing to go to therapy if I wanted to see real progress.

Before, I just showed up, waited for my “I did therapy today” sticker and went about the rest of the week not changing how I acted before, i.e. I didn’t know what the f my self-care routine was and was still irritable af. No wonder I felt the same!

Now, I practice self-care inside and outside of therapy. This means I put a hefty amount of time into defining my feelings and learning how to cope with the lows during therapy, and then exercise, write, disconnect — anything I need to do to take care of myself — outside of therapy.

It’s taken a bit of time to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t work, and for many people, their self-care means taking medication, practicing yoga, meditating and therapy. Again, it’s all about finding what works for you and your mental health.

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And there you have it, folks. Five things you should know about therapy.

Whether you’re thinking about seeing a therapist or you want to understand more about what it’s like, therapy is a transformative experience that I really do recommend to everyone. Legit everyone. You don’t need to have a distinct problem to fix if you’re thinking about seeing a therapist, nor is anyone a problem to fix — we’re people, not broken computers!

The point is therapy has been a life-altering form of self-care that has changed me for the better this past year, and it can help and has helped a crap ton of people. Sooo many of us see therapists, and it’s time we start being more open about it.

Your friend,
Jane

P.S. What are some questions you have about therapy? Leave them in the comments below!