‘Never Give Up’ | Your Story

Your Story is a series in which you, the reader, are invited to be a guest writer on Your Friend Jane and share your own story, relating to mental health and personal growth.

Jessica Z.

As someone who overanalyzes anything I decide to share on social media, committing myself to write about my past — let alone my struggles and how these things have affected my mental health over the years, knowing it would be on a platform for many to see — is quite dang intimidating. Heck, I even started spinning my wheels about a week ago and only got through a few paragraphs before the anxiety started creeping in fast, causing me to call it quits for the night and attempt to revisit when I was in a better headspace. 

The truth of the matter is: I hate letting others see me weak. So indicating at all that I may not be as “happy, bubbly, confident and strong” all the time like I tend to come across on the surface is something I try very hard to avoid letting people who only know me on a superficial level see. Sure, with those I know and have gotten comfortable with, I am pretty much an open book. But it usually takes a certain level of comfort not only with the people, but also the environment I’m in for me to feel like I can totally let go and be myself. 

I think the reason for so much inner scrutiny and restraint on my part is the fact that I was severely bullied starting in middle school and then again my senior year of high school into college. Prior to being “told” that there was anything “wrong” with me, I use to think I was too cool for school (in a non-cocky way, of course) and honestly really liked myself. I precisely remember being about 11 years old and a friend asking me if I could be anyone else in the world who would I be, and responding with “No one. I like who I am.” If I could go back to 11-year-old me, give myself a big hug and say, “You go, girl!” I would.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to feel that way about myself, and it has become my everyday mission in the present to restore the self love and positive mentality that once came so naturally to me.

Unfortunately, years and years of judgment, ridicule, criticism and people pointing out your flaws takes its toll on you, and it hasn’t been an easy task trying to revert back to my 11-year-old way of thinking.

In fact, it’s something I still struggle with everyday, something I go over with my therapist every three weeks and something that honestly affects every aspect of my life in one way or another. It’s affected friendships, relationships, social interactions and more.

This unwanted feeling of inadequacy and not being good enough has followed me from adolescence into adulthood and caused me to self-sabotage every romantic relationship I’ve ever had. So it’s only understandable that now — in my thirties and still single — I’m working harder than ever on my relationship with me.

Although I still have a lot more to learn and grow, I’ve seen a lot of improvement in the last year. The best thing I’ve done to help myself, however, was just getting myself out there and doing more. When I asked my therapist how I could improve my self-esteem, he suggested actually doing “self-esteeming” activities. For me, these activities were as silly as going grocery shopping or cooking myself dinner — little things with big rewards.

I went from spending four or so years, eating every meal out of a takeout container and being a hermit to finally caring enough about myself to take the time to focus on things that helped me not only to be healthier but happier, too.

I started asking people to do things that in previous years I wanted to do but didn’t have anyone to do them with, and as I started doing these things, my life began to feel more and more full and my calendar began to fill up.

Drinks with friends after work and lots of laughs on lunch outings for break began to be a regular part of my weekly routine. Surrounding myself with people rather than sitting at home in my free time, constantly feeling sorry for myself and replaying all the negative comments that have been embedded in my brain made me finally start to feel like myself again.

Feeling so good and doing more than I have in years has motivated me to keep learning and growing. So recently, I have been working on the concept of acceptance. Learning to accept things I can’t control, i.e. other people’s opinions and behavior in general. This one has been a bit more challenging, and I am far from mastering it, but is just as important if not most important in my opinion.

From the little I have learned, it seems that the only way to master acceptance is by surrendering to whatever it is and letting it go. It’s easier said than done, but it’s something I am currently trying to apply in my everyday life.

For the things I can control, I am working on trying to do what I can to improve these areas of my life, whether that means getting my butt out of bed earlier in the morning so I can fit in a workout before work or setting some time aside at night for meal prep and self-care.

Years and years of psychological damage and bullying isn’t something that can just go away overnight, and that is why it is so important to keep learning, growing and treating yourself like you would treat your best friend. Give yourself the time you need to rebuild your self-esteem, even if it takes longer than you’d like. You deserve a full and happy life. So if you do what you can to achieve that and accept the rest, you’ll be one step closer.

Never give up! I know I won’t.