‘Focus On the Little Things’ | Your Story

Your Story is a series in which you, the reader, are invited to be a guest writer on Your Friend Jane and share your own story, relating to mental health and personal growth.

Daniel Halligan

Starting off, things like these have always been a struggle for me. I think it's because I don’t talk about my feelings ever, so I might as well start from the beginning.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt this way. It really started off in middle school, around sixth or seventh grade. I started to lack in school with my grades. It wasn’t because I was dumb, but just because my lack of motivation wasn’t there. 

Thankfully, I leaned on my friends when I felt down about school. I was hoping that after middle school things would get better, but I descended more into my dark thoughts and emptiness. 

In high school, I became more quiet than I already was. I would just go to school, keep my headphones in most of the day, go home and just sleep or stare at the ceiling thinking about things I shouldn’t of. I wouldn’t have any motivation to do anything or see anyone, and I was constantly tired. 

Somedays I still feel like this. 

My closest friends would call or text me to hang out or go somewhere, and I wouldn’t pick up. I just wanted to be alone. I always felt alone for a lot of my life. I think about it now how much time I missed with my friends, but back then I didn’t care. I thought I didn’t care about much.

College came around and I felt I had no future. I had tried to kill myself twice in high school and I hoped maybe I would figure it out and finally live a little, but it just turned out I didn’t feel like I would have one. I would skip class and just drive around or not go at all because I was certain I would try to end my life again so going to class didn’t matter. I didn’t feel like I mattered.

I’ve always felt like I never had a place in this life, or anyone else’s for that matter. Most days, I feel like a ghost just walking through every new day with no purpose or reason. It’s not that people don’t notice me, but more so I don’t want to be noticed. I’m very quiet when the voices in my head are loud. 

And I don’t want to have to hear people say, “What’s wrong?” It’s not that I don’t appreciate them being concerned about me. I just don’t want to explain things. I feel like if I do open up to someone they’ll give me sympathy and I hate that. I don’t want people to feel sad or sorry for me. I just want to fix things and move on. 

I’m also not good about talking my emotions. I’m stubborn like that. I feel like people think I try to be that tough guy who doesn’t feel anything. And that's not true at all. 

I would say I’m pretty emotional. It’s just you never know what someone is going through, and there are people in this world who go through so much more than I could ever, so I never want to bother anyone, when they could be going through something so much worse. 

That’s why I always want to help people who feel the same, because feeling this way sucks, and no one should ever say to me, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” I don’t ever want them to go through this too.

Thinking about that kind of stuff makes me realize how lucky I am. I’m grateful enough that throughout all my school problems my parents would still pay for my classes to go back even though I had a history of not doing good or skipping class. I’m lucky to still have the friends I do since elementary school. 

And to have the co-workers and friends I’ve met over the last few years too. I care so much about them and want to give them everything, but I feel like I can’t, and that’s the biggest issue with my depression and I.

Feeling like I don’t matter has hurt the people around me a lot when I thought not being around would be better for them. My closest friends could’ve stopped talking to me and kicked me out of their lives when I wouldn’t pick up the phone to hang out or spend time with them but they still would and do, even when I don't answer. They don’t deserve that treatment. 

My best friend/brother who moved away years ago still keeps in touch with me and visits, and I feel like I let him down when I don’t have much to say when he’s down and it gets awkward, or when I can’t see him when he is down to visit. 

Co-workers don’t deserve to be ignored when they want to go to a party or out to drink, yet I do, because I feel like they’re better off without my awkward and quietness and will have more fun without me. I’m so lucky to have these people and I push them away out of my arrogance of how I think of myself. 

People say you can’t love someone else until you love yourself, and I think part of that is true. When I think about it, I do like who I am. 

But just because I do doesn’t mean I don’t have self-doubt. I’m constantly beating myself up if I don’t do something right, wasn’t good enough for someone, or just kicking myself for nothing at all. 

Even trying to date or find love, I’m like this too. Everyone deserves someone, and deep down, I know I do too, as hard as it is for me to believe at times. I never get close to many people, because of my self doubt and thinking people are better off without me. 

When I do find someone I truly care for and want to be with, I beat myself up even more, because I tell myself, “This won’t end well and you’re gonna hurt her and they don’t deserve that.” 

When I feel like this, I disconnect — it doesn’t matter what I’m doing. As soon as I feel like this, I’m gone. No one can get through to me, and I'm better off alone. If I'm alone in my room or at a party, I won’t say anything or say, “I’m tired and I’m gonna go home” or “I feel cooped up in my room, I'm gonna get some fresh air” to my family and just drive. Sometimes it’s just for a little bit, and sometimes it’s 2 a.m. and I’ve been driving alone with no sense of direction of where I’m going. 

I think about my life like that a lot, and a lot of time I wonder if I kept driving and never came back would anyone notice or if it’s for the best and how much better everyone would be if I was gone.

I know this post has been depressing, but it’s the truth of how I feel. I don’t think I matter. 

But even throughout all of this, I still have hope for a better life. 

Last year was the lowest of the low, and I started seeing a therapist. I’ve been going for a year now and it’s helped more than I ever thought.

I also started to try to follow my passions like drawing and graphic design. Even writing down things that could maybe be good for lyrics in a song or playing my guitar more. 

Of course, my self-doubt comes at me with those things too. Maybe it’s not what I think is up to a good standard. 

But in the end it's still progress and that’s what matters. Depression is a progress. It’s never going to just stop and be gone. 

But not caving into these dark thoughts is more than I ever would’ve thought I could do years ago. I know I won’t take my life no matter how hard things get, and that a bigger step than I could’ve ever imagined. 

Even little things give me some hope, too. 

Graduating from community college after years of struggling is something I thought I would never do is a step. Forcing myself to go out more with my friends and actually having a good time is a step. Drawing even if it’s not my best is a step. Even working out or taking my dog for a little walk helps with my demons and those are steps in the right direction, too. 

You got to put in the effort and what you give is what you get. Don’t settle. Even when it sucks and you feel like nothing will get better, just work at whatever it is that does make you feel better. Don’t dwell on what doesn’t. 

In the end, it’s not going to be perfect. I would be lying to whoever reads this that as I'm typing this I’ve had one of my worst disconnects in a long, long time.

But I know that I still have a lot to work on with everyone and myself. It won’t be easy, but the fact that one day I can get there is enough for me to keep going.

If you feel depressed or down like I do, there’s something out there for you too that will keep you going and fighting too. Even if its a little thing, it’s a sign of hope, and that means you’re right on track for a better end. At least that’s what I think. 

Actually, it’s what I know.